this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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