He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
