i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
