So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Randomize
