Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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