I cannot find my penis.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
