Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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