Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
