I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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