I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
