3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
