She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
