Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
