she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
