i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You are the jesus of drinking
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
