I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Can i not drive my cunt home
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
