i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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