I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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