so that wasnt chicken after all
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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