where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I supernannyed him into submission
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize