Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
