I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
