So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
