If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
