When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
