I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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