it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
