I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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