I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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