Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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