No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
