How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
