first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
