I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
my poor anus
Im part way to drunk.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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