Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
