Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
whose parrot is this?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
