6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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