WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize