My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
