I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
