dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have aggressive nipples.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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