At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
