The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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