I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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