I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
We're facebook friends in real life
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize