a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
