PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
