I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
