you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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