My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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