i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
