Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I am mentally ready for anal.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize