first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize