Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
