He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
