oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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