Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
