I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
A+ Viking dick
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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