worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
