I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Randomize
