Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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