somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I enjoy the company of your penis
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