I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
