did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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