We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
