the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
As shirtless as possible
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize