My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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