I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
