The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
