one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize