I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
